Saturday, February 8, 2014

10 Ways to Child Custody (To: Bob fr. Peko)

  1. Find an adequate / safe living environment.

  2. Stay in the same school district.

  3. Find a job / work schedule that fits the children’s routine.

  4. Avoid cohabitation too soon in a new relationship

  5. Find and keep stability in all aspects of your life.

  6. Hire a lawyer who knows custody and who you can afford.

  7. Put the children’s needs above the custody fight.

  8. Don’t involve the children in the custody fight.

  9. Facilitate the opposing party’s custody as much as possible.

  10. Know your own limits and needs.

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Monday, January 21, 2013

To: Marriage is Broken, from Love Advice Forum

from "ImNotPerfect" .. Here's an article I wrote a couple years ago, it may help you through your situation ..

From Love Advice Forum

from "ImNotPerfect" .. Love Advice Forum

I'm a 37 year old man w/ 2 very young boys. I've been married 9 years. That's neither here nor there though.

I could go on and on about her issues and also about my issues (because I know very well I'm not perfect), but the point is that the marriage just isn't working any more. I feel we've grown apart in every way. Here's my problem. I have no family and very few friends here where we live. I agreed we'd raise our family here because she always seemed more 'needy' of her family than I was of mine. However, not being the most sociable person in the world, I don't really have a support system outside of her and her family here. I also have a history of a lot of depression. I also fear having another man basically raising my 2 boys, etc etc etc. I don't know what to do. I feel that our separation is inevitable (we aren't even living together right now), but I'm scared to take it to the next level because I'm scared to be alone and end up spiraling into a deep depression and who knows what else. I'm sure some of what I'm feeling must be common, but I'm not sure who to talk to b/c most of my friends here aren't married. Help! Thanks![/QUOTE]

taskeinc response from Love Advice Forum

My divorce was final in 1999 and I was 1 year older than you, my daughter was 3 and my son was 4.. they are now 17 and 18 and I have been fortunate to raise them as a single dad.

There's a quote I like which states, "sometimes we make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances." You didn't mention actually raising your 2 boys, possibly you're OK with their mother raising them as most men are.

Times are changing and custody is not always awarded to the mother (and I know women won't like this comment but my goal is to assist the person who started this thread, not to create a debate surrounding child custody) as it always was in the past.

It's also not true that a mother has to be deemed "unfit" to lose custody, that is definitely not true.

Whether you pursue custody or not, you can and should be an integral part in raising your two boys. The divorce rate is pretty high in most countries, especially in America (not sure where you are located), so what you're about to go through, unfortunately happens all the time.

What you MUST focus on at this point, are your sons. They need you, and will always need you. So this talk about "spiraling into a deep depression," that's not the direction you want to go because if you can't be strong for you, then be strong for your boys. Everything you do, they are watching you. If you allow this situation to get the best of you, somewhere down the road, when your boys face adversity in life, they may very well follow the same path you followed, years ago. Thus the adage, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

For the past 10 years I've been an advocate for fathers rights. Don't worry about another man being around your boys because your concern should only be that he never mistreats them. If you get a divorce, it's inevitable that your son's will be around another man, but you will always be their dad. In my experience of working with fathers, they tend to be more interested in trying to salvage a relationship with the mother, more-so than firmly establishing themselves as divorced dads. Like you, they clearly see the writing on the wall but are more concerned with their soon-to-be-ex-wife than their children. Once I knew my divorce was imminent I immediately began to focus on my children.

My divorce and custody battle lasted about 1 year. During that time, the courts gave me ex-wife temporary custody of our kids. About three months into the custody case, when I was returning my kids from a weekend visitation, I actually met my ex-wife's boyfriend (we were still married). I walked over to the car, shook his hand, introduced myself, and I said to him, "you spend a lot of time around my kids, if you do right by my kids, me and you, we're straight." In that brief exchange, I let him know without saying it, "that's your woman now, you can have her, just treat my kids right." He turned out to be a pretty cool guy, he was a police officer (I found out later, he was not in uniform when we first met). Fast forward, 7-8 months later, I was awarded full custody of my children, and my ex married her boyfriend less than a year after our divorce was final. I could care less. They were married for about a year, then she divorced him.

The moral to the story, focus on your boys, you're possibly wasting your time trying to salvage your marriage. Besides, if she wants you, she will take you back, if she doesn't want you, it's not going to happen.